I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How many fucks given?
0.12846
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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