Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
