Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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