If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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