My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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