went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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