the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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