I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
