She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
