you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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