wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
