we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
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I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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