I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
