remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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