don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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