if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hippo gnu deer
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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