I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
