can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
