Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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