I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
