He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
