and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
accomplished twins. life is a go
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
