If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
