Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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