Pregnant stripper...not hot.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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