you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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