Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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