So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
