Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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