you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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