I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
