You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
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those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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