She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
