Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
