he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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