My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
