How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
