u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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