I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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