I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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