i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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