i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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