my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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