my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
