Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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