apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
After tacos, we're chasing women.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
