she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
