Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
