This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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