He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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