Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just had sex on a roof
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
