You can't special order awesome
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
