it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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