70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
