i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
