I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
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This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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